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Title: You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0-06-095962-2 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 24 July, 2001 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
Average Customer Rating: 3.77 (48 reviews)
Rating: 4
Summary: The Difference in Understanding
Comment: The Difference in Understanding
Do men and women really interpret each other differently when speaking or expressing a thought? I believe there is a communication barrier that exists between men and women. In the book "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation," Deborah Tannen explains and gives examples of vast situations that men and women, girls and boys, encounter on a daily basis.
I strongly agree with Tannen that the difference in conversation stems from the way we are raised as children. She states,
"Intimacy is key in a world of connection where individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which highlights differences. In the world of status, independence is the key because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and man on the second."
Boys and girls tend to play in same-sex group and though some activities they play are similar, many of their favorite games also differ. For example, boys tend to play in larger groups, with a leader who tells them what to do. They like to achieve status by grabbing center stage through telling stories, jokes or challenging the stories of others. Boys games tend to have losers and winners. Girls in contrast, usually play in small groups. Their most popular games are playing house or jump roping, where everyone gets a turn and no one wins or looses. Girls sit and talk most of the time. They are more concerned with being liked rather than achieving status.
As adults, women have a reputation for talking too much. Studies show, however, that in public, it is men who talk more than women. For men home may be a place where they are free because they do not have to compete. This might be due to men engaging in "report talk", Tannen states, a display of knowledge and skill and a way of holding center stage through verbal performance. For women, they seem more comfortable speaking at home or in private. In contrast as Tannen states this is "rapport talk", a way of establishing connection by exchanging similar stories. Men usually believe or think they seek dominant roles, whereas women lack experience in defending themselves and they may take what the opposite sex says as a personal attack. This book only goes deeper into the theme that women and men have different ways of talking and expressing their feelings. All conversations have two sides. Tannen discusses gender issue differences in communication and I believe she makes one of her strongest points when she states, "It is important for couples to realize one's partner most likely has a different conversational style than one's own." Couples or opposite sexes need to think of how a message could be heard differently than it was intended.
Why men and women seem to have such different ways of communicating, I as well as researchers do not know. Men and women use language differently. It is just something that has always been around. This book was very well written and argued. I have come to realize that in this book Tannen reveals experiences of many men and women that somehow reflect upon our very own everyday life. The best way we can all live and get along with each other is to listen and understand each other. This gives both men and women a fair chance at being heard and at the same time respected. Overall, there will always be a dispute amongst men and women. The best cure for this all is to simply know yourself, the time you need to speak and the time you need to listen and use them at the appropriate times.
Rating: 5
Summary: a must-read for everyone who talks to the opposite sex
Comment: This book can change your life, but only if both you and your spouse read it. Or a good handbook for singles, hoping to figure out just what exactly that other strange species is really saying. What is most impressive is how even handedly Dr. Tannen treats female- and male-oriented communication styles, noting that neither style is inherently better, but just profoundly different, and that understanding the basis for how women and men communicate so differently can really lay a groundwork for avoiding lots of misunderstandings. This is absolutely true. As a man, I am amazed that Dr. Tannen has such a solid and objective understanding of male-pattern communication styles. I certainly learned a lot about how women communicate, and thus have avoided perhaps 50% of the misunderstandings in my marriage. Now if I can only get my lovely spouse to "just read the book" (which alas has turned into my final defense on more than one occaision), we can eliminate the other 50%!
Rating: 5
Summary: Required Reading for Everyone!!!!!
Comment: Deborah Tannen has earned the Honor of having "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" placed along side the ONLY other book that I currently own. The other book is "The Elements of Style"; by Strunk & White. Don't get me wrong; I read incessantly, but rarely keep any of the books that I purchase or borrow. I believe the two (2) books referenced above should be required reading for every American. Period! I won't pretend to know what age would be approriate or most effective for Ms. Tannen's book, but it certainly would go a long way in solving many of today's communication problems between ALL people. I primarily base my opinion of this book on: 1)my having read it, and 2)my having learned the hard way what this book lays out for you in plain English. I managed a team of 12 Finance professionals in NYC for 10+ years; consisting of men & woman of various ages, nationalities, and religions. In time, I learned how to effectively manage such a diverse group by gaining an undrstanding of how each person interelated with everyone else. I HIGHLY recommend this book!
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Title: That's Not What I Meant! by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0345340906 Publisher: Ballantine Books Pub. Date: 12 March, 1987 List Price(USD): $6.99 |
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Title: Talking from 9 to 5 : Women and Men at Work by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0380717832 Publisher: Quill Pub. Date: 01 September, 1995 List Price(USD): $13.00 |
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Title: I Only Say This Because I Love You : Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0345407520 Publisher: Ballantine Books Pub. Date: 28 May, 2002 List Price(USD): $15.95 |
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Title: Gender and Discourse by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0195101243 Publisher: Oxford Press Pub. Date: January, 1996 List Price(USD): $14.95 |
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Title: The Argument Culture : Moving from Debate to Dialogue by Deborah Tannen ISBN: 0345407512 Publisher: Ballantine Books Pub. Date: 09 February, 1999 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
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