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Title: Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda : Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities by Arthur Freeman ISBN: 0-06-097335-8 Publisher: Perennial Pub. Date: 26 September, 1990 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $13.00 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.5 (4 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: Getting over the past was never so easy!
Comment: After going through an unwanted divorce, I really was looking for something that would help me get past mourning over my lost relationship. So I ordered several books on "moving on" but this was by far the best. The authors explain in layman's terms the basis of cognitive therapy, which basically says that it is our thoughts about events which bother us. If we can change our thoughts, then our feelings will follow. This book is packed full of simple, yet understated advice that anyone could benefit from reading.
One of my favorite quotes from the book occurs at the end of a chapter and basically says, "Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting where you've been. It means that where you've been is not the only place you can go." I realized that I was stuck in wanting my past relationship (or one just like it) that I didn't know I could have something different.
Anyway, this is a definite for anyone who is afraid to move ahead because they "might" make the wrong decision or they "should" know the perfect answer. And if you have made a wrong choice or completely missed the mark, then this book will help you not only learn to forgive yourself, but also help you to begin taking baby steps in taking new risks and realizing that "Plan B" or C or D might be just as rewarding or maybe even better than the already failed Plan A.
Rating: 4
Summary: this'll help you move ahead from a bad job or relationship
Comment: I'm currently plodding through the post-break-up depression that followed on the heels of a doomed relationship, and reading stacks of self-help books in an effort to salve my spirit. I'm usually skeptical that they'll contain worthwhile advice -- but this one is actually fairly useful, and even though it's aimed at across-the-table regret, I found it to be particularly well-suited to relationship-related regrets. For example, it discusses how we cling to unrealistic "memories of the future" --creating (after-the-fact) a wonderful future to our past relationships and situations, which then permits us to regret the loss of the fantasy futures which we never initially had. It shows how clinging to the past and "woulda,coula,shoulda" fantasies trap us and prevent us from moving forward and finding the life we want. The book starts with a an somewhat humorous analysis of the many types of flawed thinking -- overgeneralization, selective editing, catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, mind-reading, etc. and gives plenty of examples of each of the above (and more). In the first chapter, I felt scolded for ever thinking that "all the single men my age are gay or ax-murderers." The book suggests numerous cognitive therapy techniques to get your thinking back on track, back in accord with reality (rather than self-defeating fantasy). The book challenges our instinctive desire to cling to the past and small comforts -- to hang around where there's a trickle of water rather than to risk searching for a full-blast fire hose. If you're stuck looking back and having difficulty moving ahead, give this book a try. It might not cure all of your regrets, but it should go a long way into helping you to give your regrets a reality check (and ultimately, give your regrets the boot).
Rating: 4
Summary: Absolutely can't change the past but it helps the future
Comment: I found myself in a relationship with a woman who treated love and life with such ease. She almost destroyed my life during the realtionship not on purpose obvioulsy but because of her ease at how she treated my love. I kept asking myself why didn't I do this or do that, of course now I realize it was just the way she was no matter how I tried to help or change her for the better. Sure the book showed me how we all say we should have done this or could have done that, but also it showed me that I should have got away from her way of life before it hurt me. This book will show you that you could have lived and done things so much different. I would recommend if you meet some one who is vastly different from your own core values don't fall in love with them unless you are willing to be terribly hurt in your own heart be careful of trying to be there for someone who doesn't know how to be there for you. Buy this book and realize no matter how you wish things could be different with you, they won't be if they have lived such a different life before you. People change yes but they don't change how they value certain things in a relationship. I was completely heartbroken by this woman don't let it happen to you. I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused but I should have seen it coming in fact I did that was the hardest part about it all.
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