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Title: Just Your Type : Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger ISBN: 0-316-84569-8 Publisher: Little Brown & Company Pub. Date: 14 January, 2000 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $21.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.56 (16 reviews)
Rating: 2
Summary: Superficial Remedies
Comment: I work as a divorce mediator. I have never taken a class in MBTI, nor am I a therapist. I have read all of the other books by these authors, and have loved them. So much so, that I bought 5 copies of NURTURE BY NATURE to give to teachers, family members and friends.
But I was disappointed with this book. It appears to skirt the underlying issues, that the Quenks are brave enough to address head on in their book TRUE LOVE: FINDING THE SOUL IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS; as John Keirsey also attacks in his book PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME II.
I also believe that they rushed this book to print without doing a thorough job of researching their topic from the perspective of others in the field. They mention both the Quenks and Kiersey, but not these authors latest books in their bibliography.
Furthermore, in their first book, DO WHAT YOU ARE, they state that an ISTJ parent with an ENFP child is one of the worst combinations. Yet as a couple, they give a list of do's & don'ts that I could never see an ISTJ partner doing. Avoid making judgements? Like asking a cat not to chase mice. Why can't the ENFP develop a thicker skin? Again, you might as well teach a pig to sing.
From my experience mediating divorces, I feel that the recommendations the authors recommend are superficial bandaids, focusing on behaviors, instead of a humanistic transformative approach. I may be able to get any personality to go through the motions of any particular behavior, but instilling the desire is another question. How do you get an ESTP to enjoy and desire and pursue an emotionally deep relationship? How do you get an ISFJ to love being flexible and living on the edge and taking risks? How do you get an ENFJ to enjoy never being emotionally intimate with their ESTP. The authors seem to think that we are robots that if we go through the motions, and act interested the marriages will work. They are confusing social skills with emotional skills.
For if you read John Keirsey, SPs love their freedom, and NF's desire emotional intimacy depth, the very thing that SPs try to avoid. These are mutually exclusive goals, as each struggles in opposite directions. One of the recommendations for an ESTP & an ENFJ: the ENFJ should do more activities with the ESTP. The Quenks point out that this is exactly what an ESTP wants to avoid (look under the Mercurial Lover). An ESTP in their search for freedom wants a variety of casual friends, and expects that their mate will have many separate friens too. So the best that an ENFJ can learn to do is find romantic connection elsewhere (an affair?), accept being lonely, or look for someone else. The best that an ESTP can expect is feeling smothered and tied down, living in denial about a lonely depressed spouse (everything's ok, he's alway morose), or look elsewhere.
And another trait they skirted, which I have seen in action is when one spouse intimidates another. As Judith Viorst says in her book, NECESSARY LOSSES, .."One person without any hostility, aggression or intent to hurt-- merely through the xpression of is existence--may be damaging for another." (pg. 204) I tend to see this between INFJ's who scare ESTJs or ESTPs; ISFJs who stress ENFJs, and ENFPs who throw off INFJs -- all through no fault of their own. Although these are merely my own observations, and I'll be the first to admit are anecdotal, there is another book CRAZY TIME: SURVIVING DIVORCE AND BUILDING A NEW LIFE that describe that most marriages have a "kisser" and "kissee" who accomodates them (by Abigail Trafford).
And so it is with disappointment that I read this book, and was very frustrated. I still want to know WHY people marry not bad people, just the wrong people.
Rating: 5
Summary: Personality Type Works
Comment: Congratulations to the Tieger's. Their common sense in following the premise that people have individual personalities which influence relationship needs beyond gender is right on target. The research and conclusions drawn by the Tieger's provide the insight needed to answer many of the oversimplified gaps left by gender typing alone. The Tieger's have removed the obscurity, complication, and mystery from personality tests and brought them to the public in an easy to follow format. The book provides clear insight into the challenges and strengths of different relationship combinations and serves as a compass for finding the combination that suits you. Combine this book with their "Do What You Are" book and your life will feel like a fairy tale. Why? Because you will be living consciously and will understand your needs and desires and how to apply them in life. I have read through so many of the self-help books on relationships and making your dreams happen and no others have provided me with such clarity and concrete support.
Rating: 5
Summary: Helps you understand all relationships, not just romantic
Comment: If you are into understanding yourself and your relationships with others, you will love this guide.
After decoding myself (ISTP), I decoded everyone I know well, and it helped me to understand how and why each of my relationships differ. I shared the book with my ESTP boyfriend and we laughed so hard we nearly cried, because the book described our relationship SO EXACTLY it was scary.
We all communicate and make decisions differently. This book explains how YOUR type and THEIR type interact, and how to avoid common pitfalls. It's not only helpful, but very eye-opening and fun.
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