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Title: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver ISBN: 0-609-80579-7 Publisher: Three Rivers Press Pub. Date: 16 May, 2000 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $13.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.73 (45 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: Seriously consider "7" before all other books on this topic!
Comment: A very reasonable as well as scientific approach to marriage. Many marriage-oriented books offer logical short-term band-aids (e.g., focusing on perceived Mars/Venus gender differences, communicating better, smoothing over conflicts) that make for a provocative read and/or admirable goals, but by and large fail in the long-run to resuscitate shaky marriages. Gottman creates a path for marital success via theories and exercises with an established track record for success. Many people wouldn't think that a fit marriage has to be exercised regularly, no less than one's body through regular workouts. Gottman's book serves as the ultimate guide to marital fitness, yet is a valuable read even if you are unmarried or have already experienced a failed marriage.
Good marriages don't necessarily have less conflicts than bad ones. Gottman gets under the surface and digs into such deeper issues as the maintaining of HONOR and RESPECT for your partner in the heat of all-too-common battles. Along the way he punches holes in a lot of marriage-counseling paradigms. In short, this book can improve a good marriage (or any similiar commitment between two people), heal a salvagable one, or explain why a bad one got to or beyond the point of no return. Or even serve as a form of CRUCIAL pre-marital counseling.
My question, why isn't there a mandatory course in marriage at the high school level that incorporates Gottman's research? Wouldn't the knowledge gained be of as much or more importance than any other accumulated as teenagers head into adulthood? I consider topics such as those raised by Gottman to be of enormous value for my daughters to read (and discuss!) when they reach their mid-teens...better too early than too late!
Rating: 4
Summary: Gottman Crafts Highly Readable, Practical Guide
Comment: A friend of mine lent me a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and said: "What do you think of this?" I read it and thought I would share my answer which is - it's a "fun read". Any author who calls his university's marital research laboratory a "love lab" has to have a sense of humor! And while this is true, this book is by no means frivolous.
John M. Gottman has crafted a highly readable, practical guide for "making marriages work" that is based on over sixteen years of extensive academic research. Based on what he has learned, he debunks the myths most commonly articulated as causes for failed marriages, talks about six warning signs he uses to predict divorce with an accuracy of 91% and then suggests seven principles he finds have been useful for couples interested in strengthening their commitment and their marriage.
Interestingly, Mr. Gottman discredits the notion of many traditional marriage counselors (a group to which he confesses to have been a member at an earlier stage of his career) who are quick to suggest that "an enduring, happy marriage" is all about good communications and "learning to resolve your conflicts." The problem, Gottman says, is that this approach just doesn't work.
Mr. Gottman says the simple truth, based on his research, is that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship" - mutual respect, enjoyment of each other's company. This deep friendship is something he says can be developed and he provides many, many exercises related to each of his principles for couples to use as a framework for doing so.
As I was reading this book, I thought of another book I have read recently that might also be of interest to those looking for magic in their relationships. It's called "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work" by Ariel and Shya Kane. Both the Gottman and the Kane books are great reads and can be used to compliment each other.
The Gottman book is more analytical and the exercises provide examples of an applied methodology for change and improvement - a "change model." The Kanes focus on awareness in an anthropological sense of looking purely and non-judgmentally at "what is"--of one's own behaviors and of the behaviors of others. In their view, awareness without judgment is the vehicle for personal transformation, greater satisfaction and a magical relationship. Interesting contrast in approach--I think you'll like it.
Rating: 5
Summary: Started a new chapter of my life!
Comment: A few years ago, my marriage was going down the drain. I had no idea what was going on or what I could do about it. I felt helpless, hopeless and unhappy. Until then, I was very skeptical about these types of books so I never read them. But became so desperate that I opened this book in a store like a drowning person reaching for a straw. That was the beginning of the end. This book forced me to see my marriage from a completely objective point of view and helped me realize how I was part of the problem. Bad habits die hard but I kept making an effort to change. After a month or two, my spouse noticed this change and became curious about the book as well. We became even more interested in these things and read another book called "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato (I'd highly recommend this fabulous book too if you are ready to take one more positive step in your relationships). Now we appreciate each other. Now we talk about meaningful and interesting things in life. Even though this may sound very cheesy, in many ways we could say that our marriage is in a renaissance period. We still have a long way to go but there already is a newfound calmness in our lives that was never there before.
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Title: WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL: AND HOW YOU CAN MAKE YOURS LAST by John Gottman ISBN: 0684802414 Publisher: Fireside Pub. Date: 01 June, 1995 List Price(USD): $13.00 |
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Title: The Relationship Cure : A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by Ph.D. John Gottman ISBN: 0609809539 Publisher: Three Rivers Press Pub. Date: 25 June, 2002 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
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Title: Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman ISBN: 0684838656 Publisher: Simon & Schuster Pub. Date: 12 August, 1998 List Price(USD): $13.00 |
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Title: A Couple's Guide to Communication by John Mordechai Gottman, Howard J. Markman, Jonni Gonso ISBN: 0878221271 Publisher: Research Press Pub. Date: June, 1979 List Price(USD): $21.95 |
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Title: Passionate Marriage : Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch ISBN: 0805058265 Publisher: Henry Holt & Company, Inc. Pub. Date: 15 May, 1998 List Price(USD): $16.00 |
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