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Title: Talking the Winner's Way: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Business and Personal Relationships by Leil Lowndes ISBN: 0-8092-2503-4 Publisher: McGraw-Hill Pub. Date: 01 September, 1999 Format: Paperback Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $16.95 |
Average Customer Rating: 4.3 (23 reviews)
Rating: 5
Summary: What I learned from this book...
Comment: One caveat, before my review... if you're dubious about buying this book because of the negative reviews (as I was, at first), then please consider this:
If you've read "How to Win Friends and Influence People," then you should already know the basic mental trick needed for how to be a great conversationalist. You have to wrap your mind around the fact that people don't want to hear about *you*. It's not what *you* say that makes people like you, but how interested you are in what the *other* person has to say. (After all, whose face do you look for first in a group photograph? Everyone else thinks the same way.)
Leil Lowndes didn't spend much time explaining this, like Dale Carnegie did; so I can understand why certain reviewers might have misinterpreted this book as "sucking up" or being manipulative. But take heart, friends -- her writing is delightfully NOT about petty flattering techniques (although there *is* a chapter on praise). (If you still don't see the difference, then consider getting "How to Win Friends," in addition to Lowndes' book.)
With that said, I'll admit that after reading Carnegie, I was still not a good conversationalist. Carnegie seemed to be a social person *anyway*, so being friendly came naturally for him. But myself, and others like me suffering from clinical depression / social anxiety / low self-esteem, will get much, much more from "Talking the Winner's Way."
Usually, when I'm at a party or at work, I'm paralyzed with doubts about how to act around other people. What do I say? What if I screw up? How the heck do I make banal "small talk" come out of my mouth without looking and sounding like an idiot? What about those horrible, awkward long pauses where conversation stutters to a halt? And so, there I stand, off in the corner all alone, palms sweaty and heart racing, without ever getting up the courage to butt in on excitedly gesturing circles of friends/coworkers. Lowndes addressed all of these insecurities, and gave me methods that actually made me *enjoy* mingling at a party two days ago.
Carnegie was an optimist -- he gives you some general social theories and assumes you'll make it all come out all right. Lowndes, on the other hand, seems to be a cynic -- which is ever so much more useful! She gives you all of the juicy details - every chapter is stuffed with meat, not fluff.
For example, Carnegie tells you to "smile." Lowndes tells you *how* to smile: wait a moment, soaking up the person's expression, THEN let a smile fill your face; this has the most impact. She teaches you how to make it genuine; and she recommends giving a slightly different smile for each person, to make them feel as if it's not an automatic reaction, but created especially for them. (The body language techniques alone are worth the price of this book; her strange "posture" technique seems to have cured my ten-year slump.)
This is not to say that Lowndes' book is a recap of Carnegie's. It's not -- it is *so* much more. Only the first few chapters are about general, friend-to-friend techniques. The rest (the bulk of the book) are more specifically oriented to modern business situations. That, also, has been very helpful to me, but in a very different way. I've always felt that I was missing some sort of secret code when talking to managers, etc. (Why are you supposed to say, "Mr. X can't come to the phone right now," instead of "Mr. X isn't here," anyway? The latter is more honest.) Now, I understand. Now, I speak that secret code, too.
There are plenty of techniques for fitting in with the world of the "Big Winners" -- those men and women who seem to have a subconscious understanding of how to act consistently professional as they sit in their Faberge'-filled mansions comfortably discussing new investments. She tells you how to mimic their vocabulary, mood, perceptions, movements. She tells you how to deal, how to network, how to speak industryese. (I simply cannot wait to try out this stuff at my next job interview!)
Several chapters are about business faux-pas -- things you should NOT do. And it's not all "common sense" warnings, either. I personally had no idea that you're not supposed to say "gesundheit" when someone sneezes, eat or drink at cocktail parties, talk about business at a business lunch, or ask what a new acquaintance does for a living.
This is where her cynicism comes out... because apparently, the "Big Cats," as she calls them, will pick up on your mistakes, and one little flub can ruin your influence with them forever. On the other hand, brilliant interaction with them will give you a sterling reputation and eventually turn you into a "Big Cat," too.
After reading this book and practicing the techniques, I feel like I've gone from wallflower to corporate climber. Do yourself a favor and start climbing, too!
Twelve bucks? For methods that will earn you respect, new friends, and probably get you promoted? It's worth every penny.
Rating: 4
Summary: Strong on technique, devoid of humanity
Comment: Hi
I found this book interesting; I've tried many of the techniques and found that they work very well.
Unfortunately, the author has little genuine warmth, empathy or interest in other people.
One example (not untypical). The authors 'good friend' had started a business and Leil (the author) introduced her to an important - powerful - contact. The author's friend 'messed up' when she contacted the 'important person' - she didn't have a pen and asked him to wait a few minutes whilst she got one. The author's reaction 'that's the last time I'll introduce her to anyone'. Jeez - I'm glad she's not my 'good friend'.
I thoroughly recommend it to anybody who wants to communicate more effectively i.e. get what they want out of other people - respect, friendship, business, a job, etc.
However don't let it turn you into a self-centered, manipulative, jerk.
Remember that communications techniques can help in one off relationships (e.g. a job interview, sales call), can help lubricate new relationships (a first date), and increase your social standing (working a party, or social engagement).
They can't help in long-term relationships (when a date becomes your girl/guy, on the job, parenting, etc.) For that you need to invest in your character.
Happy reading
Afam Edozie
Rating: 5
Summary: One of those books that will change your life.
Comment: I rarely write book reviews. I have just finished reading this book and I have to say that on balance, this is one of those books that will change my life for the better. One of the reviewers disqualified this book because the author does not have a phd in psychology. All I can say is, to disqualify this book because the author does not have a phd in psychology is to disqualify a potential mate based on the job they are holding. Unless you have read the whole book or know the substance of the potential mate, do not make quick judgement about that book or person. It says more about you than it does about the author. There are some authors with phd in psychology I would not touch with a 10 foot pole, because they may know a lot but they have no clue how to communicate to the masses.
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Title: How to Be a People Magnet : Finding Friends--and Lovers--and Keeping Them for Life by Leil Lowndes ISBN: 0809224356 Publisher: McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books Pub. Date: 31 May, 2002 List Price(USD): $14.95 |
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Title: Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner ISBN: 1565656296 Publisher: McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books Pub. Date: 01 April, 1997 List Price(USD): $14.00 |
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Title: How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman ISBN: 076111940X Publisher: Workman Publishing Company Pub. Date: 18 September, 2000 List Price(USD): $14.95 |
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Title: The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk : How to Talk to Anyone Anytime Anywhere About Anything by Bernardo J Carducci, Bernardo J PhD Carducci ISBN: 0967751705 Publisher: Pocket Guide Publishing Pub. Date: 01 February, 1999 List Price(USD): $11.95 |
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Title: The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine ISBN: 0971132208 Publisher: Small Talk Press Pub. Date: March, 2002 List Price(USD): $12.95 |
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