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Title: Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce by Alvin Pam, Judith Pearson ISBN: 1-57230-367-0 Publisher: Guilford Publications Pub. Date: 06 August, 1998 Format: Hardcover Volumes: 1 List Price(USD): $48.00

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Average Customer Rating: 5 (4 reviews)

Rating: 5
Summary: A must read
Comment: My copy of this book has so many dog-eared pages and so much highlighter on it that I need to buy a new one so I can read it for the umptheenth time. If you want to understand yourself, your spouse, the dynamics of your relationship, what went wrong, and why you are behaving like you are, this is the only book to read. As other reviewers have noted, it is not a self-help book, just factual, but you can not read it without gaining eye opening insight. You will understand what happened and why, and that in itself is "self-help". I bought dozens of books on relationships and divorce, and then I found this one and didn't need any of the others.

Rating: 5
Summary: This book is worth the price
Comment: I really swallowed hard, paying the $$ to buy this book. But if you are a thoughtful person striving to "figure out" why you got dumped in a significant relationship, this is I think a potentially life altering book. My pile of self-help books has literally broken the bank this last few months and some of the books have been helpful -- especially just about anything by Carter and Sokol (the He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love people). But the real advantage of Splitting Up is that it is NOT a self-help book but rather an academic approach. As explained in one of the preceding reviews, the authors describe a standard "bad relationship" dynamic of polarization of the pair into a "distancer/countersymbiant" and a "pursuer/symbiant." The distancer develops alienation and dissatisfaction with relationship that ends up with development of a public self and a secret real self and then ultimately -- surprise!!! -- dumping the devastated symbiant to pursue the secret life (often with a new partner). It truly is like reading your own life story, if you are trying to recover from something like this yourself. Most people who would come to this book for understanding of a real life experience would be the symbiant of course. And the thing is that for me, symbiant in a recent classic reenactment of the scenario, the hardest thing has been trying to "figure out why he did it." This book has helped me understand "what happened." I can see all my behavior as "acting out according to script." And so now, though I still cry and rage a lot, I have A CHOICE to write my own script rather than acting this one out blindly. At least that is my fervent hope. If you are trying your darndest to understand what happened, this is the book for you!

Rating: 5
Summary: Splitting Up : ...Estrangement in the Process of Divorce
Comment: There's no handbook for divorce. You just have to muddle through for the most part. Just get the best lawyer money can buy, hunker down for the battle, and wait for the smoke to clear. And get a copy of "Splitting Up." It's not a book for those who need hand holding. It arms you with an awareness of the stark mental realities you face regarding yourself, your former spouse, your kids, jealousy, rage, etc. Even if your happy with your decision, walking out of the door ain't the end of things, it's just the beginning.